An internal revolution has happened, yet the world around you has not changed one bit and you need to re-emerge and find your new place in it. You now need to be seen again and in order to do that, you need to be willing to show yourselves.
How do you do that when you’re not sure what you’re showing because you don’t know who you’ve become yet?
Growing up as a tomboy is difficult. Coming out and coming to terms with my sexuality in my teens was more difficult. Fighting the urge to conform to societal standards and finding confidence to be myself was beyond difficult. In the battle to choose between male and female, I was losing myself. It took time, a number of unfortunate situations, and a hair cut to help me figure out exactly who I was meant to be in this world.
I hid behind perfectionism in order to not be seen. My particular brand of perfectionism was made up of self-righteous overachievement combined with a healthy dose of internal shame and contempt. Flawless and selfless on the outside, and indignant and sad on the inside. I found a way out through the practice of vulnerability…and then I fell off the vulnerability wagon.
In the middle of my talk in front of 300 high school girls, I noticed a man in the audience staring at me with disdain. Despite the fact that the audience was engaged - laughing, nodding, ferociously taking notes - I couldn’t stop being distracted by this man. Was this the price of being seen? We are all struggling to feel seen, but what if people don’t like what they see?